stimulation.

i am surrounded by a lot of dope females these days. they're all i need. conversations are easy. and when i don't check myself, they make sure to remind me to best do that. good looking out.

there's a lot going on but not really anything going on at all.

the most interesting element of my current situation is maintaining the integrity of my status to my elders. i.e. my folks. meaning, they know what's up but only in the form that they see only me all the time. i've made a commitment to myself to keep the details of my shit private and i'm sticking to it. the goal is to give them the opportunity to be supportive/trust me. meanwhile i'm getting a bit of the mary magdalene treatment. sticks and stones blahblahblah. this is the soapbox of my life right here.

headspringing.

the prettiest sound.

one dope female.

stimulating 360 view. sun.

full moon.

sun.

fires.

zen.

women & children.

a weekend of.

you know, i never really knew what to expect with vanessa's show. i'd read the script beforehand, i'd seen parts of it, but i really had no idea what i was in store for. the girl can act. and sing! she is a natural. and i'm thinking she needs to put on more of these shows for more people. bravo hunn.

we went to a lounge called skinny's on lankershim near magnolia afterwards. when i went to vegas with mia and maritza they coined a term, "hands." that's what was sneaking up on me from everywhere it seemed on the dance floor. no thanks. and sometimes i'm seriously just not in the mood to have a dance partner. why would some dude just assume that i don't need room to dance. or what's up with dudes who just start dancing all close to you and shit. performing some awkward bouncing motion in the knees with raised arms waving on either side of you. like i'm caged in or something. jesus. okay it was kind of funny observing that happen right in front of me. the only thing i could do was laugh. but that seemed to encourage them to move closer. then i just had to walk off.

this afternoon i had lunch at chuck e. cheese for aj's third birthday. the pizza seems less greasy than it did when i was a kid. def better than any other fast food pizza i've had. chuck e. cheese wears a sports jersey and jeans these days. and they don't show up as robotic puppets on stage anymore, they're on flat screens that show the rat and his friends performing songs in music videos.

a little annoying: significant others of cousins who don't greet. as if they don't see you or something.

then it was a whole afternoon-to-night affair at co's with melissa, aj, mila, and maxine. these kids were going non-stop from 2pm to 10pm. non-stop. they're running around after each other in circles. someone crying every so often. something spilling. they're hanging off the rail of the treadmill. they're yelling. they're singing rihanna disturbia (bum bum be-dum) over and over and over again. making railroads all over the place. eating cake, cereal, pizza, chinese food, cake, juice, milk, cereal... they're running up and down the stairs. legos. and then a bath and then a movie and then more treadmill until finally a half hour of saying good-bye.

i constantly have to remind myself that i'm doing exactly what i'm supposed to be doing. this is the experience i need because i'm having it. right now.

i'm playing out jay-z these days. it's like my bible.

sound check.

mark abulencia amazing ("i want to be carrie so bad but i'm totally charlotte").





the party.

just getting warmed up.

this is nothing yet.

they offered to do the dishes.

a lot of buhos going on.

these kids are a trip.

"they say you can't turn a bad girl good
but once a good girl's goin bad, she's gone forever
i'll mourn forever
shit i gotta live with the fact i did you wrong forever"

cap.

my october horoscope:

"You shift your priorities from a position of authority and self-respect and finally get your bearings this month. It'll take the first 20 days to dislodge remaining archaic responses. It'll also take that long to reevaluate what had been pretty close to an obsession a month or two ago. You see the situation that once felt life-and-death important in a new light and may move that so-called must-do task down to 99th place on your priority list.

Without so much seaweed tangling around you and slowing you down, you can now speed along like a joyous, energized dolphin that savors the pure pleasure of movement. Some things that you minimized in the past suddenly seem more crucial and far more worthwhile than ticky-tacky fears and worries. Detaching from 'setting the record straight' or 'showing who's boss' gives you so much extra energy for more important things that actually make you happy and fulfilled!

You'll notice that you attract liberated, adventurous people this month. They recognize your growing appreciation of personal freedom and your need to divorce yourself from pointless turf wars. They admire your spirit and independence and may see some of themselves in you.

It's funny about self-revelation. It begins, oftentimes with a kind of crash that may be uncomfortable, scary and exhausting. It's that necessary thing that occurs during mental and spiritual evolution: You must let go of what seemed safe (though unsatisfactory) in order to make space for growth. It takes courage, this letting go business, but is so worth the trouble. You've already begun the process and will continue to explore deeper layers until the 14th, when a bright Full Moon acts like a cosmic milestone. The 18th bolsters your emotional being, which is still rather fragile, and the 20th gives you the impetus to push away from anything that diminishes you. (As you know, bad habits come in all forms: attitudes, substances, and even hurtful people.) The 21st and 22nd help you develop new goals and plans for your immediate future.

Instead of holding onto something that 'should have' worked but didn't, you take a plunge into an endless source of inspiration. Instead of questioning why something was unfair or downright punitive, you relocate your priorities to very fertile, emerald green pastures that can yield much more than you'd thought possible.

Another thing: You don't 'owe' anyone an explanation about why you've decided to make this shift. People that have actually been paying attention already get it. Don't trouble yourself with less interested types. Move forward. Be that joyous, liberated, energetic dolphin without a fear or limitation in sight. You end the month feeling like you've gotten an energy transplant! Good for you. Monthly touchstone: Green Tourmaline."

huh. seems like it's in line with my sitcom these days. which reminds me, while i was swimming in venice i got a little surprise. at one point while waiting for a wave to duck, i felt like there was someone hiding under water around me just waiting to pop up. i thought i was tripping. turned out to be a dolphin like right in my face. hello!

impromptu.

for as long as i can remember, i've been more tomboyish than girly. it's progressed from playing every kind of sport that i could with boys (and gina mazzolini): two-hand touch, cement soccer, catch, etc., to working with all-male staffs, to - until my return to l.a. - just straight chilling with boys the majority of my free time. my go-to's. since i've been back, it's the complete opposite.

take today, for instance.

doctor's appointment in ppla santa monica. waiting room filled with girls. in the doctor's office i got schooled on everything the female body. it was interesting if only for the kind of vibe she created - it was all about me as a woman and my plans, my choices. and i have to admit, it was refreshing to be asked all kinds of questions about my sex/social life for the sole sake of how it could relate to my health, rather than measuring how much closer i am to burning in hell. and thanks to the state of california, ppla is able to include the morning after pill in my goody bag for free (or donation). i didn't even ask for it.

i'm really digging the state of california.

then it was off to a late lunch with colleen in belmont shore. need i say more.

i decided to head back north via pch. it was about 85 degrees along the coast, but it was still the least-hot part of town possible. ah, one nice thing about having all this time to myself: i can drive surface streets. i've always preferred them to freeways, but it's hard to find a passenger who has the patience to understand the kick i get out of taking just one street that could drive me through all the different kinds of l.a. (e.g. pch, wilshire). there's something gorgeous about seeing l.a. change from (practically) block to block. it goes great with having no plans.

when i got to around the skirball i decided to call my sis to see if i could drop by. q is a trip. she was making up her own language and was encouraging me to speak it with her. during dinner she was trying to avoid eating her peas so i told her that i'd bite her ear off if she didn't. the little girl coincidentally said, "go ahead and bite it." so i pretended to and put it in my pocket. she straight dug her hand into my pocket and yelled, "i got it back." her world of improvisation. she used to drag around a pillow and called it "soft pillow" because she loved how soft the pillowcase was on it. now she's ditched the pillow and just takes the pillowcase around with her everywhere. "soffie." it's all dirty and tore up. when she's tired, she puffs a part of the pillowcase in her hand and dabs it on her cheek or her forehead with the most serene look on her face. tonight she was coughing into it. yum.

my view of the opposite sex is a bit skewed right now i think.


doctor's office.


i don't know.

"if you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out, you align yourself with the power of the universe. what looks like weakness to the ego is in fact the only true strength." (eckhart tolle, a new earth)

dictionary.

i don't have a plan. i don't know how to define anything. i don't have an answer. (is it up to me to give you one, right?) that's all i got right now.

it's funny how people get caught up in the whole q&a of life. or moreso, other people's. it's all good.

i could have all the "security" in the world sourced from someone/thing other than me. what i want to know is, what happens if i tapped myself for all of that. grown woman shit.

here's the thing. no one (parents, elders, the authorities) tells you what's really up. it's just this definition or that limitation. i'd like to define things as i go. and even then, just when i think i know what it means, it changes. everything changes.

like plans.

alright vernacular. so this weekend was so random. i ended up meeting mia at 811 wilshire friday night for dinner. free-flowing hot sake. great view. then eagle rock music festival on saturday night. trip out. the intention was to see bambu. who would've thought that colorado blvd would be enough of a getaway from the city. i actually lost track of time. refreshing.


la sunsets. they're free.


811 wilshire. 21st floor.


thai bbq.


colorado blvd blur.




salsa playing at the garage.

oh right. every other girl was wearing a crocheted beanie/beret of some sort at the music fest. i always wonder how these kind hats stay on with the bangs & some intentional hair tressles chilling in front. it's an ironic look. the intention is bohemian, careless. yet the reality is that there's a lot of maintaining going on. forever re-adjusting and shit.

un-spin.

i'm watching the world around me get caught up in this weird vibe. confusion, fear, spin, distrust, no confidence. i'm not about to get caught up in that. what did it for me was the dinner two nights ago. just so much insecurity, one-up shit. cynicism. from the cable news to a dinner table. i just can't partake in that. so while i reject to be around that energy, i owe it to myself to start doing who i claim to be: a liberal. a girl who embraces the truth and constantly searches for enlightenment. progress.

i tried me out yesterday - without even knowing, actually. (no plan) and the result... overwhelming. mutual trip on the effectiveness of honesty. after all of the un-rest, turmoil the past few months it was hard for me to believe that any rhyme or reason could have survived such a breakdown. thank god someone still finds reality refreshing.

i'm with me now.


friday evening joint.

friday night dinner.

noise.

yesterday i was walking on midvale towards wilshire when some shrilly lady driving on the other side of the street slowed down to yell at me, "you forgot your pants." i was in fact wearing little navy blue pinstripe shorts with a roomy silk tunic. i just kept walking.

some guy started a conversation with me from winward farms to the venice post office. he dropped so many names along the way. used typical l.a.-transplant buzzwords: i have a heated pool, jacuzzi. barbecues blahblah. working on who-cares's music videos. surfing an eight-foot custom okazaki. zzz.

after venice, i was on my way to the airport from lincoln. a woman in the car behind was so mad at me because i wasn't in a hurry like her i think. she made angry gestures at me as she passed and turned off on mindanao way. i used to think that someone who drives a clean white m3 to get to her marina condo wouldn't have anything to be unhappy about.

there's a great law in california that keeps medical mj legal to treat a wide variety of pains. imagine if all californians switched from their prescript meds to smoking mj instead.

what's with the stress?

today was what it was. challenge-filled. i'm throwing around a thrown-off vibe i guess. or something in the stars is thrown-off. i'm realizing that i just can't afford to make any plans. at this point, the only plans i've made that actually go through are trips outside of l.a. everything else - as soon as i even think of a plan the universe reminds me (forcefully) that i don't have room for one right now.

after the vp debate tonight, i realized that some of my peers are only starting to feel the pain that i felt 8 years ago in regards to the state of america. what was hilarious to me was disturbing to others. talk about jobs ("are you looking?", "what are you goals?") and money and lots of distrust over dinner at le petit saigon ("but you're not worried?"). i don't know how to describe it. i just knew then and there that would be the last time i would have dinner with the so-called-l.a.-authority-on-cool until i can find some room in my body for that kind of peer-pressured/opinionated vibe. aka bullshit.

words that come to mind when in the pop-culture/streetwear atmosphere: wordy. defensive. money. constant one-ups. zzzs.

i have to admit it's a bit entertaining to observe some people trip out when they come across a person who's not worried.

l.a. has beautiful sunsets.

i've got a long fix list. time-consuming.



my spot. warm water!




delayed flight. wandering lax.


there is something about sunsets.

"life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. how do you know this is the experience you need? because this is the experience you are having at this moment." (eckhart tolle, a new earth)

one night.

this is the first time - and the m's on this trip agree - that a one-night trip out of town could feel like being away for a week. driving immediately to qua at caesar's definitely set the vibe.

four hours of qua before even checking into the hotel. nice. of course my first question to the girl giving us the tour was, "are bathing suits mandatory?" no. now i can relax.

overnight trips are gold. sometimes that's all it takes.

random run-in to lmu pals in vegas. i'm laughing. mia's bro's friend came up to me at one point and was like, "hey your friend doesn't have a drink in her hand..."

and.

i had to break it down for this guy. you've got three grown women in your presence, have you considered trying a different approach? a drink is not the only way a thirty-something girl gets down.

reminds me of some male peers who swear that they couldn't date a girl older than twenty-three tops. dommage. they have no idea.

gorgeous sunset on the drive back. so hot pink. orange. clouds. rain in sun.


"take a picture of my dog, cocoanut."


steve (q calls him blobby).


mia's. debate zzzs.


las.


filipino food.



hotbox the strip.



random paul.




i took this?


i took this?

dark. quiet. bed.


so vegas. what is that girl doing.


sunny rain.



i'm swimming in issues. i'm actually happy about it. schooling myself. and seriously, my loved ones are so dope. it's all love.

mia: "you're like chill extreme."