one night.

this is the first time - and the m's on this trip agree - that a one-night trip out of town could feel like being away for a week. driving immediately to qua at caesar's definitely set the vibe.

four hours of qua before even checking into the hotel. nice. of course my first question to the girl giving us the tour was, "are bathing suits mandatory?" no. now i can relax.

overnight trips are gold. sometimes that's all it takes.

random run-in to lmu pals in vegas. i'm laughing. mia's bro's friend came up to me at one point and was like, "hey your friend doesn't have a drink in her hand..."

and.

i had to break it down for this guy. you've got three grown women in your presence, have you considered trying a different approach? a drink is not the only way a thirty-something girl gets down.

reminds me of some male peers who swear that they couldn't date a girl older than twenty-three tops. dommage. they have no idea.

gorgeous sunset on the drive back. so hot pink. orange. clouds. rain in sun.


"take a picture of my dog, cocoanut."


steve (q calls him blobby).


mia's. debate zzzs.


las.


filipino food.



hotbox the strip.



random paul.




i took this?


i took this?

dark. quiet. bed.


so vegas. what is that girl doing.


sunny rain.



i'm swimming in issues. i'm actually happy about it. schooling myself. and seriously, my loved ones are so dope. it's all love.

mia: "you're like chill extreme."

sativa.

that's my style. a clear, cerebral kind elevation.

i caught a really refreshing episode of the cosby show tonight. clair huxtable was showing a very rare clair-quality. she was defensive about gaining weight or something like that. display of vulnerability. thank god. i was beginning to think that she was the perfect woman. of course she did lose the weight in time for a reunion (i think) and looked stunning in a clair-type gown with her clair-sass.

dude i am bumping into all kinds of fotos. happy. i'm just so in the moment that i forget what just happened. well i don't really forget. they're more like validation.


world championship of fireworks display in monaco. i think this is denmark's entry.


hi hotel: clean plate.


recycling.


les vieux with their cigars, papers and horses.


last night at frank's.



st. paul.


lhr to lax.

oh. read this guy's intro today while eating lunch at western bagel. he did a nice job on reminding me of what i used to consume myself with. what he calls "a granola-and-incense enclave." pretty much on the dot descript.

toughy.

that's what i'm calling myself. or that's what i admit i am when someone calls me out as one. i'm a toughy big time these days. i just feel the need to be more protective of my shit lately. i really got to ease myself into things. doucement for real.

why am i not back in ventura this week? a coast would be nice right now.

it's fine.

rain by swv. until this moment (pandora playing) i had forgetten that song ever existed.

sunday morning i decided to take the coast road from ventura to lake shrine. sometimes the most simple things can be so beautiful. the only way i could describe it. i think you know what i mean though. see for yourself. it's better than religion. sacré.

the cali sun gives me a different color than the med sun. don't know how to describe it. cali sun and my skin are in love.

so it's funny how things just come and go. and come and go again. and again. i feel like i'm on some train, just forcing myself to trust that the tracks are going in my favor. as soon as i think i've forgotten something significant it comes back to remind me. so i guess it's still valid. meaningful.

?

i'm not trying to think about it. it is as it is.

like ten rolls of film i just developed. when i re-discovered my pentax at the beginning of 08 there were a couple of rolls in the bag. the last time i remember using that camera was in 05. over the summer i discovered more rolls while moving out of barce. then again while packing for home. never felt compelled to develop them until a few days ago. i just got them back last night, and i can't stop looking through them. 05 is right. lots of q photos... new york... santa monica... newport beach... vegas... all kinds of images. it's a trip. overwhelming. just when i thought i'd forgotten.


weekend with ate & q.



thai lunch.


q on sunday morning.


sunday morning drive.



true blue tuesday hook up.

another day on the beach.

vanessa just called to check up on me. that girl is funny. i stayed with her over the weekend. we went to some dude's party in north hollywood. he's doing her a favor so she thought the least she could do is drop by. it was supposed to be a big deal, with different-colored wristbands for each guest. green = single, red = taken. i asked if i really had to wear one, "i'm already wearing my ring." dude straight gave me a look/pause sort of thing and said no. one more long pause and he said that i could wear an orange band. which means neutral. we get to his backyard and there are like ten people there. all in their twenties. or at least they looked that young. i wore an orange wristband to let a handle of people know that i'm neutral. uptight kind of for no reason. host was funny. one green and an orange in a party too dark to tell what color wristband anyone's wearing any way. so good. too funny. we stayed for 45 minutes. vanessa was thinking of just leaving straight up without saying bye to the host. then i reminded her of why we were there in the first place. hilarious.



trinity wants more photos of her, less mirror for me.



"older chicks," apparently.

so i'm completely not working on things that i think i should be working on. should, could, blah blah. the weather out here is beautiful. sunny, hot, with a very cool breeze. perfecto.

the coast is the prize.


cozy. comfy.



san buenaventura mission. so cali.

the coast.

so i'm on one finally. it's been decided to skip hi and take advantage of ca while i can. $500 for 3 days on an island or close to nothing for my sister's condo. for the week. or longer not sure. it's tempting to just keep going north. haven't driven my coastline routine since 98. ten years.

the sun's shining. brisk. sweaters and bikinis. cool enough to wear my purple crocheted hat.

the ocean is warm! nice surprise.

the sun's going down. real slow. getting cool. the first time i feel comfy in a sweater and socks. the bikini stays. while i could never see myself in a place that's cold for a long period of time, i do love it when it's cold. only at the beach. and as it's only getting warmer again in l.a., it's perfect coincidence to be here now. good excuse to stay in, or out actually, but have nothing to do and be okay with it. don't think.

“it is only when we forget all our learning that we begin to know.” -henry david thoreau

i would love to keep this calm when i get back to l.a.

part of a letter i'm working on (like it's a book or something):
so i've really got to keep my feet on the ground. l.a. is home, but it's not comfy home yet. it's been a while. it seems to me that the most reasonable place for me to be asap would be the coast. that's the only thing that could really keep me here. constant coast views.



homegrown, shiraz and letters.

words.

i'm in a position right now where writing seems to be my main source of calm. even if it's just a few words.

i'm always writing about the grass being greener. i have issues with that phrase. always have. as ironic as this may seem, for as long as i've been envisioning the most-likely return to l.a. (since may), and since specific events have sped up the return to now, i have the strongest desire to be away from this city and tucked away on some island.

on a beach.
the finest sand.
the warmest sun.
the softest breeze.
no phone.
a studio with a big kitchen.
a barbecue.
a towel.
lots of bikinis.
pareos.
a surfboard.
a skateboard.
a bike.
a camera.
a piano.
a guitar.
a hammock.
some books.
a journal.
no people.

the last one isn't completely true.

there's something about writing letters. perhaps it's the kind of distance i'm looking for. keeping in touch in a ridiculously meaningful way without having to be there. it connects. it's reassuring. but distant. distant in the most beautiful sense of the word. the commitment is simple, yet so significant.

and from a beach.

homegrown.

i love stumbling upon good stuff. last night it was art walk with three m's. started with hearsee at the spring arts gall. ended at the regent. good art. we barbarians playing "sixes and sevens." it's one of those songs that can only be heard live. the three sounds in such an organic space like the regent move me to pieces.

we don't like crowds!

the word of the day is crack. it's everywhere here. it hurts. i could never get used to the normalcy of its existence. that someone could create something so soul-stealing... it's part of the tumultuous vibe looming over this country.

get beyond.
fly above.

on the other hand, beauty grows between. love-sharing. serenity.

disinterest in the most beautiful sense of the word.

giving in to breaking off. finally getting some sleep.

puff a j already. unlearn that shit.

nuts.

as in i am. i can be grateful for it. that's 1.

i crashed greg and tam's wedding on saturday. i'm grateful i did. 2. i have the most amazing friends. they hyped my shit up so much it was overwhelming. 3.

4. it's thursday and i'm not in an office.


shy & her little man, parker.

kambal.


open bar. all nite. ask mark about absolut pear.

tapping the wedding favor before dindin. typical mark. 5.


6. i'm grateful for shy & jim. the dopest gardeners.

laughing. that's all day with these ladies. 7.

i just have to point out that mark managed to get hooked up with a kid's meal yet again.
key word: french fries.

the lovely maite and ev wonder.





8, 9, 10 tbd before midnight.

i got an 8. roll some j's, get in the car and drive. i'm grateful.

feliz día nacional de cataluña. es una celebración. que.