I stare into space and don’t say much
Peer in the mirror feeling dead from the face up
Coffee pots, cigarettes, morning Js, Baileys
Slowing down my day before it picks up the pace Beats
playing since the night before thinking about writing songs
Feeling exhausted from times we toured constant
And plus the toxics I sip got me tall
Still tipsy staring at the city from the spot we call
los angeles
here again. was crossing off the things that i was grateful for as i was sitting nauseous in my middle seat on the forty-fifth minute of chilling on the LAX tarmac; waiting to be taxied to our gate:
- i made it to LAX in one piece
- kathryn the stewardess hooked up the ginger ale
- there weren't any embarrassments or warnings about breaching security
- watched "i love you phillip morris" & had a good cry
& that was enough to keep me from throwing up in a bag or spinning my brain around how the quality of air travel is digressing blah blah blah... where am i going with this?
ah. gratitude. the theme of my existence these days. i'm just thinking back to how the past few weeks have been, and i can't remember much more than, through it all, i've just been trying to focus on what's already good. that, and not really doing anything. just trying to let the universe really work it all out for me.
don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with achieving some sort of zen or serenity. if anything, i feel like i'm this crazy woman, being affected by all kinds of realities, insecurities, injustices, treason, thievery, raaaaa! laughing one minute, crying the next, that i have no choice but to surrender to the universe at this point. it's like, "you tell me" because i have no idea.
and then i laugh. i laugh hard. because at the end of the day it's all so entertaining, isn't it. what else could it be?
a bit lonely.
. . . . . .
spent three days with my mom, ate & q. ate drove us, we stayed at circus circus as to squeeze in some adventure dome time for quirina even though her mom made sure she remembered that the focus of the trip was nanay. so of course the little girl is hilarious. q has a magic bean case. in it are some magic beans and what looked like used up ear plugs that had happy faces drawn on the end that goes in the ear. so i said, "ill, are those used ear plugs?"
quirina starts laughing, "yeah."
"gross!" i say.
this grabs my sister's attention. she looks down at the ear plugs and asks q where she found them.
"in ventura. during our walks."
my sister: "those are dirty! what did i say about picking things from the ground? throw those away."
quirina starts freaking out, whining, "no... i washed them!"
then my mom starts cracking up the way she does all loud and howly, makes my sister laugh ruining her game, then i start laughing, and quirina gets away with keeping dirty ass used strange ear plugs.
i've met my hotel/air match with ate & q. man oh man do those two know how to travel. & boy do they know how to chill in a hotel room. they make a list of now five loved ones who know how to enjoy hotel accommodations.
q's at that age where she carries a purse. one day we were in the car driving to nanay's house, and she goes, "want to see what's in my purse?" in it she had travel markers, her magic bean case, and her wallet where she keeps an envelope covered in hand-drawn hearts & peace signs in which she keeps her cash (about $25).
it stunk to high heaven.
Every day is like a blank canvas
Carving my initials in the planet like I brand it
Hand picked to live this life we take for granted
Like a child with an upright bass, we can’t stand it
Smiling through the trouble we face, trying to manage
My way without pumping my brakes and staying stagnant
Cause I can sit on my ass or just imagine
The madness I did on my path and paint the canvas
(gracias a mia por les nouveautés blu)
when i wake up i look into the mirror...
