everything i thought i knew isn't what's happening now. and now i don't know what to do with myself.
before i moved back to l.a. last year, i guess i related having a job/working to what i was worth. i'd been working since i was 16, i didn't know anything else. and that's all we talk about in america, isn't it? "what do you do?" that could mean anything, those four words. but here we all know it has to do with work, making a living, how do you contribute monetarily to our society...
look, i could get into some reason as to why i'm where i am today, but it's bullshit. yeah, yeah, i've been conditioned to believe this or that, blah blah blah. but what's going on right now is that i've been unemployed for exactly one year. or i haven't been able to generate a steady income for the work that i do. or the ends that have been keeping me afloat are starting to dwindle.
and the loved one who i've been taking care of for so many years is taking care of himself now.
so here i am left to take care of just me. this is indeed a turning point for the first-gen filipina american capricorn.
it's beautiful. but it's also so goddamn intimidating. scary! i'm all mine now and i don't know the first thing about me. so i'm finding out as i go along. baby steps. literally. it's rough and new and a lot of times pretty damn blue. but i have to remember that with this newness, i'm letting go of something from the past. and regardless of what it is i'm letting go of, it's still very much a loss. and with loss comes grief. i have to let myself go through this.
and i'm owning all of it. i'm celebrating this shit.
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