cosmic shit

i have an issue with my lucidity during dream time. i'm quite coherent during my dreams, but to the point where i can't seem to break away from reality. jesus, emile hirsch could show up ready to skinny dip with me on some random beach in thailand, and i hesitate to dive in due to a nagging conscience about how this might affect my future professional relationship with him. what? chill the fuck out jane's mind! strip down, and get in the water already. it's just a dream. (if only...)

grrr. my mind refuses to stop working, even while i'm sleeping. yo mind, break me off some peace please. more frankly, i'd very much like to experience one of these nocturnal orgasms i keep hearing about.

.........

i'm grateful that l.a. is the hometown. i love going away if only because it reminds me of how dope this city really is every time i return. home indeed.

(more doodling "app" fun) pinocchio: my go-to comfort in monaco.

mala beach forever.

travelling productivity.

q downloaded a neat time-passing drawing app that gave me a buzzing peace the past 45 minutes. okay, i just felt old writing the words "downloaded" and "app" in the same sentence. app? that's not a word. yet its use is necessary as it is of the times.

anway. the results:

guest room.

apero.

heart monaco.

blessings in disclosure

i don't know anything.

everything i thought i knew isn't what's happening now. and now i don't know what to do with myself.

before i moved back to l.a. last year, i guess i related having a job/working to what i was worth. i'd been working since i was 16, i didn't know anything else. and that's all we talk about in america, isn't it? "what do you do?" that could mean anything, those four words. but here we all know it has to do with work, making a living, how do you contribute monetarily to our society...

look, i could get into some reason as to why i'm where i am today, but it's bullshit. yeah, yeah, i've been conditioned to believe this or that, blah blah blah. but what's going on right now is that i've been unemployed for exactly one year. or i haven't been able to generate a steady income for the work that i do. or the ends that have been keeping me afloat are starting to dwindle.

and the loved one who i've been taking care of for so many years is taking care of himself now.

so here i am left to take care of just me. this is indeed a turning point for the first-gen filipina american capricorn.

it's beautiful. but it's also so goddamn intimidating. scary! i'm all mine now and i don't know the first thing about me. so i'm finding out as i go along. baby steps. literally. it's rough and new and a lot of times pretty damn blue. but i have to remember that with this newness, i'm letting go of something from the past. and regardless of what it is i'm letting go of, it's still very much a loss. and with loss comes grief. i have to let myself go through this.

and i'm owning all of it. i'm celebrating this shit.

millie knows how to throw a party.

comfort on sawtelle.

eastward bound.

the eisenhours & pizza you will find nowhere else in the world.

my brekkies fix.

route des serres.

julz at the gougouline.

little jackie.

fløte kake, julz.. & sizing up his new lady (hmmm).


sunday lunch.

it's so hot along the med there is seriously nothing else to do but be in the water.

postcard spot.

dalpozzo.

post public enemies.

italy's tijuana.

med views.

waiting. hot.

no italian leather splurges this time. just a hefty slab o' parmigiano-reggiano. molto vecchio.

hungry. hot.

hiding spot.

yomi.

larvotto.

grey.

leaving.

home sweet home.

good morning.

my menstrual cycle is seemingly more uncomfy these days than ever. last time i saw my dr. she said that the early thirties (32-35) for a woman is when her body is most primed to bear children. i'm observing this idea into the ridiculous pain i'm experiencing as i start another cycle right now.

i went to the e.r. last month in relation to pain – i'd never felt before then – from starting my cycle. the cramps i felt were so intense that i went into a panic attack that led to some strange body behavior. since then i've been reading up on my reproductive system, and this is so far the most relatable explanation of what's going on with me. ahora.

Each month, the inner lining of the uterus (the endometrium) builds up in preparation for a possible pregnancy. After ovulation, if the egg is not fertilized by a sperm, no pregnancy will result and the current lining of the uterus is no longer needed. The woman's estrogen and progesterone hormone levels decline, and the lining of the uterus becomes swollen and dies. It is then shed and will be replaced by a new lining in the next monthly cycle.

When the old uterine lining begins to break down, molecular compounds called prostaglandins are released. These compounds cause the muscles of the uterus to contract. When the uterine muscles contract, they constrict the blood supply (vasoconstriction) to the endometrium. This contraction blocks the delivery of oxygen to the tissue of the endometrium which, in turn, breaks down and dies. After the death of this tissue, the uterine contractions literally squeeze the old endometrial tissue through the cervix and out of the body by way of the vagina. Other substances known as leukotrienes, which are chemicals that play a role in the inflammatory response, are also elevated at this time and may be related to the development of menstrual cramps.
Webster's New World™ Medical Dictionary First, Second and Third Editions (May, 2008)

in other words, the prostaglandins in my body are giving my endometrium a slow and painful death. sadistic mother. fuckers.

are you there God? it's me margaret, and i get it. touché.

elizabeth.