*mute*

am going through another writer's block. this always seems to happen when i need to, you know, actually say something. of course that would be the case. it always seems to be. people say that doing a stream-of-consciousness method to writing is the best way to get things out. so let's try.

mackenzie and i have to leave our cute tiny apartment by january 14. i think we may already have another place - a bigger studio in le marais for a very good deal, but the landlord is a bit wishy-washy and his vibe doesn't mesh well with my no-bullshit way for getting by out here. it's either a sure thing or a sure nothing. maybe's are a luxury for me these days, and since i moved out here i haven't been able to afford one yet.

and then there's the issue with my brain and teaching it to think and speak in french. i think it already is thinking in french, though, because i've become a little more blasé. and that's probably because i don't say or stare much. ha, but maybe i don't say or stare much because i'm intimidated by people speaking french to me if i make eye contact with them! as for speaking french, it's not enough that most people say it usually takes a good year or two to really get into it. i need to speak it perfectly now! and that's probably the reason why my poor brain can't seem to get it to flow. too busy thinking of how it could come out perfectly instead of just spitting it out. i'm going to be taking french classes for two weeks starting the last week of february, but it seems so far away from now. so far away... no worries, though. the mayor's office offers very cheap, if not free, french classes for foreigners in order to help us assimilate more smoothly into living here. in any case, being deficient in the language is definitely trying my confidence. and that's the most challenging element of this whole experience thus far.

there are times when i'm convinced that i don't know myself any more. as if i've forgotten how to be me. i know it's impossible for me to lose who i think jane is. but it's almost painful for me to communicate myself without saying so much... or having mackenzie be my communicator, for that matter. i'm realizing, though, that maybe i've just depended too much on words to speak for me. i probably talk too much, anyway! and besides, i should take advantage of being the student during this transition instead of trying to already know. i always imagined that one of the best occupations to have is being a student. and so now i am.