vitamin d.: "chance is slimmer thanthat chick in calvin klein pantses"

the past few weeks have been interesting as usual. all kinds of different avenues that are open for me to explore. and the difference this time is that i'm not doing any deciding. except in matters of the heart, e.g. making time: personal time and time with loved ones. oh how essential having forty-eight hours a week to myself is. very. lost without it.

the thing that i'm getting the most kick out of while doing biz in human relations is that i have boundaries, and i'm learning how to express them in the most neutral way possible. most recently, i learned how to say, "please leave" to some man in the most reasonable tone i could muster.. apparently so as i got a five buck tip from him as he left. it's weird. all of it. like my body is starting to do the right thing on its own. i don't have to think. meanwhile the universe is very patient that it even took me this long to start considering the possibility that she - & not i - is in control.

trust.

HUGE.

. . . . . . . .

i got together with my sister a handful of times this month. i hadn't seen her in a minute. when we met up at one of q's piano lessons, she was wearing a navy velvet blazer, black riding pants, and calf-high black suede boots with a three-inch stiletto heel. huh. "there's something different about her... but she's the same." the get-up was totally her steez, but before that day i'd seen her in nothing but anthropologie-steez hoodies & wide-legs with sneakers... i don't know where i'm going with this. oh, something happened to her. whatever it is, the way she handled it shouldn't be surprising, but it is. because boom, 180, now she's glowing. go ate.

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i caught the royal tenenbaums on tv the other night. i hadn't seen in it a long time. uh, it's still one of my ultimate fave flicks. it's like, get out of my head wes anderson. ridiculous.

. . . . . . . .

i feel like i have to act out the pain of events that are widely accepted as painful... if only to lessen any future trauma from whatever the so-called painful experience would bring.

in other words, i'm so programmed to be so goddamn strong. that even when i want nothing more than to be weak and human and act out the pain freely...

i don't know how to.

oh delayed reaction.

. . . . . . . .

for some reason, whenever i daydream about the future - aside from the building of a dope home that faces the sun for as many hours possible in a day - i have visions of tokyo. access in tokyo. interesting. & i wonder.

. . . . . . . .

cuddling. deep in my heart i know that everyone loves to cuddle. i think cuddling decreases snoring too. nah. cuddle away!

twenty-four hours in vegas to chill with nanay.

heart colors!

look at how q decorated her mama's birthday cupcake.

turns out one of the mid-city collective patients works at uni high. while describing
the westside to another patient who had never been, he was like, "dog. hood's a trip.
whole different world over there." oh hometown pockets.