vitamin d.: write it down.

2001. notes.

i'm getting back into the habit of writing things down. it was getting lackluster for a second, but i think i was writing about things that didn't matter. or rather they're only starting to matter now. anyway it's all real. the dots are connecting.

i think the most challenging thing for me right now is balancing out my nature to take care of others before me. well let me preface by saying i always assumed that i was already all good (i.e. forever-positive, set for life), so there was nothing left to do but help other people achieve that potential in themselves. needless to say that meanwhile i ended up putting myself aside. it was bound to happen. and now as i learn how to level the two out, it's a bit painful. similar to your typical animal documentary where, say a lioness leads her cub out into the wild and leaves them there to learn to fend for themselves. i as the mom. and the cub being me. grief. but i have to let go. the only way to grow.

the sun's shining. al-anon is free therapy. and apparently kobe doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve.

alright vernacular. these first couple of weeks of 09 have been... i don't know, coincidental? i guess that's the best way to describe it. i've been unable to take charge or plan too far ahead. i think it goes back to my learning to balance out my tendency to take care of others before myself... and just good old-fashioned vulnerability. voila. i feel like i can only go as far as showing up to the game as stepping up to the plate is just a little too much for me right now. shit, even showing up can be entertainingly difficult. thank god for amazing friends. oh wow!