vitamin d.

please hold the line

2010-12-03T14:28:00.000-08:00

& bear with me as i give my thought platform a makeover.

bi-coast-pathy

2010-08-23T11:18:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it’s like everyday I wake up
I stare into space and don’t say much
Peer in the mirror feeling dead from the face up
Coffee pots, cigarettes, morning Js, Baileys
Slowing down my day before it picks up the pace Beats
playing since the night before thinking about writing songs
Feeling exhausted from times we toured constant
And plus the toxics I sip got me tall
Still tipsy staring at the city from the spot we call

los angeles

here again. was crossing off the things that i was grateful for as i was sitting nauseous in my middle seat on the forty-fifth minute of chilling on the LAX tarmac; waiting to be taxied to our gate:
- i made it to LAX in one piece
- kathryn the stewardess hooked up the ginger ale
- there weren't any embarrassments or warnings about breaching security
- watched "i love you phillip morris" & had a good cry

& that was enough to keep me from throwing up in a bag or spinning my brain around how the quality of air travel is digressing blah blah blah... where am i going with this?

ah. gratitude. the theme of my existence these days. i'm just thinking back to how the past few weeks have been, and i can't remember much more than, through it all, i've just been trying to focus on what's already good. that, and not really doing anything. just trying to let the universe really work it all out for me.

don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with achieving some sort of zen or serenity. if anything, i feel like i'm this crazy woman, being affected by all kinds of realities, insecurities, injustices, treason, thievery, raaaaa! laughing one minute, crying the next, that i have no choice but to surrender to the universe at this point. it's like, "you tell me" because i have no idea.

and then i laugh. i laugh hard. because at the end of the day it's all so entertaining, isn't it. what else could it be?

a bit lonely.

. . . . . .

spent three days with my mom, ate & q. ate drove us, we stayed at circus circus as to squeeze in some adventure dome time for quirina even though her mom made sure she remembered that the focus of the trip was nanay. so of course the little girl is hilarious. q has a magic bean case. in it are some magic beans and what looked like used up ear plugs that had happy faces drawn on the end that goes in the ear. so i said, "ill, are those used ear plugs?"

quirina starts laughing, "yeah."

"gross!" i say.

this grabs my sister's attention. she looks down at the ear plugs and asks q where she found them.

"in ventura. during our walks."

my sister: "those are dirty! what did i say about picking things from the ground? throw those away."

quirina starts freaking out, whining, "no... i washed them!"

then my mom starts cracking up the way she does all loud and howly, makes my sister laugh ruining her game, then i start laughing, and quirina gets away with keeping dirty ass used strange ear plugs.

i've met my hotel/air match with ate & q. man oh man do those two know how to travel. & boy do they know how to chill in a hotel room. they make a list of now five loved ones who know how to enjoy hotel accommodations.

q's at that age where she carries a purse. one day we were in the car driving to nanay's house, and she goes, "want to see what's in my purse?" in it she had travel markers, her magic bean case, and her wallet where she keeps an envelope covered in hand-drawn hearts & peace signs in which she keeps her cash (about $25).

fryman canyon.

early-harvest of the porch flowers (what barrett calls it) before heading out to nice.
it stunk to high heaven.

cholada. kenz & i decided this is malibu's camp david. if you ever need one.

hello marmaduke.

charles the european.

dinner view.

good morning.

landed a sweet cushion while in barce.

fave gaudí spot. so acidic.

shadow maze.

the cushion has a terrace.

eastward bound.

antibes.

homegrown.

nature's tie dye.

julien opened his bar. 4drinks. place garibaldi. it's a hit!

waiting for our table. st. paul.

fête de sainte catherine.

typsie afternoon.

sunday worship.

gandalfo garden details.

lhr-lax.

Every day is like a blank canvas
Carving my initials in the planet like I brand it
Hand picked to live this life we take for granted
Like a child with an upright bass, we can’t stand it
Smiling through the trouble we face, trying to manage
My way without pumping my brakes and staying stagnant
Cause I can sit on my ass or just imagine
The madness I did on my path and paint the canvas

(gracias a mia por les nouveautés blu)

when i wake up i look into the mirror...

white rhino is a summer flower

2010-06-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

i noticed recently that every time i catch myself in some skate-related banter i play dumb. always. especially when other females partake in the conversation. oh how they proudly state the answer when asked "who runs the berrics?". dare i show any knowledge of who-owns-what or who-dude-rides-for would be cliché.

what am i, elitist? is this elitism?

. . . . . .

"you poor, washed-up papa's boy." -chas tenenbaum

i ♥ it.

. . . . . .

marijuana is an interesting issue to talk about with the world. it has so many different connotations - it's comedic as it is (supposedly) sinful as it is indeed medical.. and then for me, it's also my income.

i need to find a new synonym to "stoner."

. . . . . .

sometimes i do things that remind me of loved ones in order to feel their company even when they're not around.

the great thing about being in cali (with a car & having weekdays for weekends)
is being able to get on the road. mackenzie & i decided on driving up pch.

reaching the halfway point on a 90-mile stretch (all cliff, no exits)
of hwy 1 by way of a caltrans detour.

cannery row.

pismo.

five-star bathroom view.

quick & dirty nyc weekend with mia & co.
view courtesy of lauren & another one of her fab parties.

nerdz!

nyc & mia. this flick says it all.

. . . . . .

tita tess says "you look like a teenager." i feel like one, but grown. starting a new school - seeing where i fit in or which crew i'm gonna run with... but i already know. without knowing much at all.

. . . . . .

hollywood. got to love its charm.

work.

a visit with the stratte-mcclures

charles the american.

rap snitches, tellin all their business
sit in the court and be they own star witness
do you see the perpetrator? yeah i'm right here
fuck around and get the whole label sent up for years (huh)

mmm..food. i'm playing it out.

inger's last night in town.

well, well, well. judgy wudgy was a cliché.

stevie has no shame.

crazy gideon has a view.

this is how nokia takes flicks.

and so here i am in the hometown for another summer solstice. it's five pm & the sun's still shining high and bright. my perception of time is so off. the last year feels like at least three. good things all around. happiness in everything. and into the sun i go.

"chance is slimmer thanthat chick in calvin klein pantses"

2010-05-10T23:06:00.000-07:00

the past few weeks have been interesting as usual. all kinds of different avenues that are open for me to explore. and the difference this time is that i'm not doing any deciding. except in matters of the heart, e.g. making time: personal time and time with loved ones. oh how essential having forty-eight hours a week to myself is. very. lost without it.

the thing that i'm getting the most kick out of while doing biz in human relations is that i have boundaries, and i'm learning how to express them in the most neutral way possible. most recently, i learned how to say, "please leave" to some man in the most reasonable tone i could muster.. apparently so as i got a five buck tip from him as he left. it's weird. all of it. like my body is starting to do the right thing on its own. i don't have to think. meanwhile the universe is very patient that it even took me this long to start considering the possibility that she - & not i - is in control.

trust.

HUGE.

. . . . . . . .

i got together with my sister a handful of times this month. i hadn't seen her in a minute. when we met up at one of q's piano lessons, she was wearing a navy velvet blazer, black riding pants, and calf-high black suede boots with a three-inch stiletto heel. huh. "there's something different about her... but she's the same." the get-up was totally her steez, but before that day i'd seen her in nothing but anthropologie-steez hoodies & wide-legs with sneakers... i don't know where i'm going with this. oh, something happened to her. whatever it is, the way she handled it shouldn't be surprising, but it is. because boom, 180, now she's glowing. go ate.

. . . . . . . .

i caught the royal tenenbaums on tv the other night. i hadn't seen in it a long time. uh, it's still one of my ultimate fave flicks. it's like, get out of my head wes anderson. ridiculous.

. . . . . . . .

i feel like i have to act out the pain of events that are widely accepted as painful... if only to lessen any future trauma from whatever the so-called painful experience would bring.

in other words, i'm so programmed to be so goddamn strong. that even when i want nothing more than to be weak and human and act out the pain freely...

i don't know how to.

oh delayed reaction.

. . . . . . . .

for some reason, whenever i daydream about the future - aside from the building of a dope home that faces the sun for as many hours possible in a day - i have visions of tokyo. access in tokyo. interesting. & i wonder.

. . . . . . . .

cuddling. deep in my heart i know that everyone loves to cuddle. i think cuddling decreases snoring too. nah. cuddle away!

twenty-four hours in vegas to chill with nanay.

heart colors!

look at how q decorated her mama's birthday cupcake.

turns out one of the mid-city collective patients works at uni high. while describing
the westside to another patient who had never been, he was like, "dog. hood's a trip.
whole different world over there." oh hometown pockets.

nugget.

scenes from the nguyen-magcase church nupts.

her again. & my fave color.

"uncle mark gives her the coolest gifts."

a million & one...

2010-03-09T17:45:00.000-08:00

being present: half of the time i feel like a kid, but an adult (grown)! and no parents breathing down my neck.. yeah! and then there's the other half - like now - when i start my cycle and i feel like a teenager, but an adult (do it yourself, mary jane). all while re-training myself to not breathe down my neck.

ok, some latest contributions to society:

mr. eisenhour and i saw gza recently. immediate words that come to mind: americana, timeless... there's no one else like him. even the words to describe him are too cliché for who i observed him to be. genius. yes, really. but really! rza was up there. it was as if he was channeling odb or something. sunglasses, maker's mark in hand, lot of howling. i'm always entertained by who's on stage with them. like whole fams and shit they make into their own groups.. gravediggaz, sunz of man or zus or whatever they're called. and then they let some haole mc on the mic for a minute. who is he? the extent of my wu affiliate knowledge.

i've stepped up on the flowershop front. with that the motherland (and ten days in bali!) is postponed. all the while, i realize i have another dad.. a different kind, like a "real" one. the one society always pitched me.. but he really is!

i imagine a world where i just show oodles of love to everyone all the time. in the street, everywhere. you know, like how you catch me do with babies or cute furry animals type steez. i would love to do that to everyone every time i see them. however, there is the matter of le hard look. dare i put the guard down?

i'm not sure yet if i'm underestimating "how to make it in america" or if it's underestimating me. the veterana plimpton is the only thing that works for me so far.

meanwhile, i'm working on loving the hometown while i'm here as much as i do whenever i leave it. in other words, i'm spoiled. and for every moment i miss walking by gaudi masterpieces on the daily, i just remember that l.a. has just as many treasures to soak in. plus sunny, 70º weather in the beginning of march while snow falls onto the sagrada familia as i write this. i have every reason to love where i am right now.

interesting to note, while emanon, aloe blacc, exile and the likes are from the west coast, their tunes consistently send me back to euro nostalgia.

oh, nostalgia. it's a feeling for me. the kind i can't really pinpoint - so emotion-provoking yet mysterious. the whole reason why i find anything nostalgic. moments which only i find memorable. but why? (enter the mystery). and thus the romance...

"thugs eat ice cream too"
i'm assuming we're observing the cuter side of chris pastras here.

yosi's latest project.

after the rain.

wilshire visuals.

hi-res breakfast.

waiting for q during her piano lesson.

what you doin in l.a., with Filipinos and Eses
Latinos and Cheves, down by Pico with Frederico
i answer all your questions but then y'all got to go
now the question i ask you is how bad you want to know?

girlfriend in a coma

2010-02-10T03:09:00.000-08:00

i know, i know - it's serious.

something i took away from a sunday service at lake shrine is this:

the mango - i can know everything about: its size, composition, etc. but i won't truly know what a mango is until i taste it.

ah ha.

right? ... oh god i wish it were that easy. just taste that shit already. well, normally it is that easy for me. yet i currently find myself completely unable to grab the mango and taste it. i've reached a point where the thought of how good it'll taste is pretty much torture.

easy does it.

. . . . . .

i used to read depression as lethargy. and i'd judge people based on that idea. but today, the universe has proved me wrong as i find myself saying hello to the blues.

it's a different kind of blues. it's more like a celebration or ode to melancholy.. such a unique state to be in this time around as i work on re-branding it as a good thing. in fact that's where the true pain lies - teaching my brain that feeling blue doesn't mean that i'm a failure. basically when i was a kid, tony was one of those "stop crying!" dads. motivation mountain became that much steeper to climb.

yeah yeah: i'm an afterschool special cliché.

there's progress. interesting to note that all of this feels so healthy. you know what i mean? it's like sadness is okay, not something to be scared of being. alright, you get it. go blues!

B - L - U - E - S ! ! !

. . . . . .

grooving to gratitude. i feel so much gratitude i don't even know how to express it. my appreciation is constantly born.

jay-z's "may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrow." exactly.

visuals of the real world:

nati cat on mia's last night in l.a.

ate's steez.

q & lucia's world (with vivian in tow).

christmas visuals.

non-sensical sideways. a mere minute with the fam.

like church.

last of l.a. with bro before LAX.

stopover.

4 drinks. julz's latest project.

setting up for the last night of 09.

colombe flicks.

bonne année.

... into the next day...

there's a story behind this. coincidentally, the joke has come full circle.

nerds.

my go-to comfort food uptown.

cruising the village.

next stop...

do you really think she'll pull through?

it's time for time.

2010-01-11T15:54:00.000-08:00

i always think i'll have so much to say by the time i get to writing for this, but the way i write in my head is just so much funnier to me than it is on paper.

guess you had to be there.

at this point, i don't necessarily feel hope nor despair. everything - everything - is telling me to let go, to listen. so i surrender to now. and i'm learning to be in constant appreciation. humbled toujours.

all the while, it is a bit frightening isn't it. it's completely against what i've learned before today. it's not easy! boo hoo!

"even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. whether things are good or bad or you're simply... eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt." ~jack donaghy

pentax new year in st. paul de vence:

alley.

inger in the chapel.

so many nooks & crannieszees.

med sea into sky.

ruth the psychic.

marmaduke.

nice. place garibaldi made over.

lhr-lax. terminal 5 b gates. men in one line; women & children in another.
this & two other photos almost got my pentax/film confiscated by airport security.
(these are not the droids you are looking for).

autodesk my mind en français.

i can't see em comin down my eyes

2009-12-24T04:01:00.000-08:00

so i gotta make the song cry.

c

   r

    y

      c
r

         y
   c

     r

       y

  c
   r

y
           c

                 r

     y.

. . . . . .

when i think 09, i think:

michael: how bad do you think it's gonna be?

clemenza: pretty goddamn bad. probably all the other families will line up against us. that's alright - this thing's gotta happen every five years or so -- ten years -- helps to get rid of the bad blood. been ten years since the last one. you know you got to stop them at the beginning - like they should have stopped hitler at munich, they should never've let him get away with that. they were just asking for big trouble. you know, mike, we was all proud of you - being a hero and all. your father, too.

and so it's on to ten.

10 it is.

twenty ten.

. . . . . .

listen is the most that i can do right now. i find myself feeling some interesting anxiety. post traumatic something via ridiculous delayed reaction.

work in progress.

. . . . . .

finally developed a couple rolls of film i had been sitting on. below are some notables from the stack. *sigh* oh film, how i love you so. nothing could ever compare to you. imitated.. but never duplicated. please don't leave me. EVA.

LAX.

summer.

four seasons. faded.

life is a working vacation.

tidbits foreal.

2009-12-08T14:47:00.001-08:00

universe: oh you think you've achieved serenity, do you? *zing* (lost keys/sideways rain/hot flashes/etc. on repeat) prove it.

life is a really well-written sitcom.

alright some vernacular. twelve steps are keeping things simple for me these days. as in, i am constantly humbled. and the mantra that goes with is what is my part in this?

relationships. the good ones. it gets to the point where you don't have to say a word. quiet is trust.

did you know that LA City Council members get to express their inner-divas at the expense of tax-paying angelenos? as in, a council member in my hometown gets paid more than a federal judge. & a few of them have over twenty staffers each. oh no.

the non-judgement mantra: everyone's just thinking out loud.

stop everything. ocean & broadway.

q picked skatelab as her 8th bday party venue.

joke candles.

q, david, & luca (< q likes him).

besties.

block walking.

a l.e.s. moment.

w.harlem refitted.

55 w.125th street. (fanning out)

APICHA.

the sun-worshipping companion turns trey-trey.

the grass over here is just as green as it is on the other side. enjoy!

word thirsty

2009-11-24T17:09:00.000-08:00

it's been a multi-tasking environment for me lately. this entry is turning out to be my journal of late as i can't seem to separate the past few weeks into their prospective moments...

(11 november):

interesting being in l.a. always interesting. yet some times i drive around this town wishing i were somewhere else. and it's like, why? l.a. is dope! somewhere else will happen when i'm there. right now, i'mz absorbing the hometown.

funny how life works when i stop thinking that c'est moi qui fait le tour du monde. does that translate correctly? basically, life is a very cool being.. i'm personifying life now, as if it were the ultimate mentor/leader.. and i'm just starting to recognize its presence and magic. all this time i took the credit, it was life all along.

i'm at the flower shop right now. lots of funny coincidences with this gig. it motivates me to take more interest in l.a. politics. i learn about all of the amazing effects of medical mj, like alleviating everything from a foot injury to the side effects of HIV meds or chemo. i'm meeting a rainbow of human beings. all of it is very humbling.

(24 november):

working another double today. today's flower is woody o.g. as in woodpecker? no. harrelson. by the way, love how the "medical marijuana debate" is getting so much press. ♥

villaraigosa sound bite at today's council mtg: "make [mj] like beer, i don't care."

so today has been weird. but i have a mantra that's keeping me in check. all is well. peace and balance. it started with a dream i had this morning. yeah yeah, it's not real - one of those. but it was entertaining in future-seeing sense. so weird. basically, there's a key conversation between me and a good friend where we both had this revelation: neither of us has no idea where this is going. and that's actually a great thing. dope. one of those.

then going to work, a girl in a pt cruiser hit me from behind on wilshire and lacma. i was so pissed. yet when i got out of my car i found myself giving her a hug and just kind of brushed off the incident, although really pissed with a weird elitist-pacifist tone. polite, but with a very loud and judging voice.

she responded in a very cute tone, "i need to relax and not stress out too much."

i took off my sunglasses, "yeah, me too."

we just stood there (it was bright and sunny out, by the way)... and then i told her to forget about it.

it was a very tenenbaums moment midtown l.a. steez.

i got back in my car and realized that i'm ovulating.. again. already?

hand made.

oh arthur jackson mahar turned 4 on october 10. this is what happens to carsthat chill on top of birthday cakes..

mia & i took a drive one day to grass valley. shianne gave birth to

karsen jane six weeks before we arrived.

kodi bear smelled like febreeze & vinegar

(to get rid of skunk funk).

parker has a hard time accepting the house rule of having pants

on while there are guests present.

shy's treasures.

lake wildwood.

oasis.

back at armacost. all this does is validate that -

although i was pretty much FADED the whole time i lived

here from 2000-04 - i was good to this spot. thank god.

rare rainy day. westwood & pico.

too smoky inside for photos. typical of the la brea collective volunteer staff.

halloween 09.

my sister cut q's hair.

niketown b.hills window. (getting his).

caprices

2009-10-09T04:42:00.000-07:00

"i like being in the arms of a good-looking nun. how do you like it, sister?" -hogan, two mules for sister sarah

. . . . . .

since i've been back in l.a., a mix of "starving artist" steez (no ends) and my shopping fix have lead me to peruse a few of the vast number of second-hand shops that exist here. and with $40 this week, i got in on six gold o.g. jewelry pieces from the 70s-80s, a purple wool shawl, and a red leather pillow... most of which i gave away as gifts (grr it was hard to do, but something that good's meant to be shared). top that off with my kick of bumping into o.g. designs. très serendipitous. i also find that it satisfies my consumerism so fully that i tend to be turned off by purchasing at bigger retail operations (over-priced, new pieces that are made in bulk).

cheap & chic and rare for real.

. . . . . .

back to school. la rentrée. la vuelta... mia and i called that one. the first two weeks of september were like orientation. and since we got back from seattle, it's been nothing but hitting the books. i feel like i'm more in school now than i was when i was actually attending (and paying for) classes. the difference? school is a hell of a lot more fun now. i'm studying for tests that i don't know the dates of... my professors (karma) drop surprise tests on me whenever they want... i just have to be ready. and when i'm not, the results are more about the lesson than than they are about the scores anyway.

fuck the scores.

. . . . . .

i just got home from a sorority event. yes, i'm an alumna of a college sorority chapter that three women (myself included) founded ten years ago. i fell off the radar the last five years while i was overseas. but a couple of weeks ago, something told me to become more involved again (some call it intuition, others: coincidence). and now i'm a "big sis" to a 3rd-year art history major pledging to become an active member in the sorority.

anyway, so i go to this event, and i'm tripping out on the number of young women who are now a part of this organization. there had to be at least thirty ladies in the room. and then adding the girls who weren't there...

not to mention the life résumés thus far of each of these women... wow. unique yet like-minded for real.

i'm experiencing sustenance/legacy in action. i knew a decade ago that i was working towards achieving such, but i had no idea that i was actually going to.

trip out.

. . . . . .

i appreciate! the hometown. my loved ones. my car. my various shelters. my p/t gig. the universe. you.

westside details.

s.m.a makeover.

sunroof wilshire.

hannon library.

my version of flowers & balloons.

full moon for amelia's birthday.

the homies fact-checking a "maya angelou r.i.p." tweet.

hard looker.

2009-09-29T02:59:00.000-07:00

as of yesterday morning, PI network abs-cbn received over 40 billion pesos (about $841,000,000) in donations for the flood relief. that's positive, right? hooray, people power. end of story for most.

yet my personality gets the best of me, and the feel-good emotions don't suffice. as in, the PI's just received almost 20% of their annual GDP ($144.1 billion) over the weekend. who's handling all that liquid. are they experienced in dealing with that much dough. and then i pray that these decision-makers consider long-term goals, such as improving waste management (more jobs, clear sewers, cleaner water); perhaps investing in dam technology (a clean (natural, cheap) water resources system for the country, practically-free source of power, more jobs); or something that involves using the elements of this disaster into a plan that would make the rain our friend, instead of something that we fear will destroy us.

what does one do with such an opportunity to re-build the philippines.

or, this is just the way i grieve.

come & go.

2009-09-24T14:58:00.000-07:00

flying into LAX last week, i had reason to suppose that i'd be returning home as a widow. my intuition was off. but yesterday, it happened to the wife of a good person i knew. poof. just like that.

wow.

r.i.p. eric.

on to the next life.

capricorn

2009-09-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

Wednesday Sep 23, 2009 (via elle astrology)

Patience, Capricorn. You’re poised to seal the deal on a matter close to your heart. Though you feel this should have been wrapped up days ago, you can’t speed up nature’s timeline. Surrender to the process. Remind yourself that the sudden jolts of doubt and suspicion are just negative thinking; petty resistances to opening yourself to a new experience. Do what it takes to get in a Zen-like headspace.

It’s a bit of a Catch 22: as you relax, everything begins to flow.

re-brand ma vie.

2009-09-22T02:26:00.000-07:00

it's hard to tell whether i'm really learning about true love, or if i'm just a fool.

pssh.. we're all fools.

but i can see where the catch is. if i really believe that love is something that never runs out then i'd turn from foolish to simply soaking in every ounce of life i'm in touch with. right now.

doesn't that sound lovely.

i love to love.
but i really have to mean it.

i'm working on it.

.....................

the best way i can describe the world of people i'm living in right now... it's a galaxy where self-awareness is celebrated & nurtured. honesty is like handing out (& receiving) an endless stack of hundred dollar bills. why thank you! ninja tax breaks.

virgos & bodega.

yolanda gonzalez's studio with the fam.

i spy : saturday, september 5.

i spy : sunday, september 6. into monday...

more monday.

170.

.....................

seattle. it really is the northwest version of honolulu. time slows down into a good time.

seattle beginnings. catfish po'boy.

fish & chips & nw dank.

bzzz.

linda cuts.

lake cruising.

cabasco enviro.

war room eve.

morning stroll.

the wedding celebration of cecilia & montague.

post-nupt therapy with seattle's fave sisters.

treating hangovers in chinatown.

getting lost.

tonal dusk.

thank you kat.

permanent kisses.

tom: and that's it?
summer: the ones that lasted.
tom: what happened? why didn't they work out?
summer: nothing happened really. it's what always happens. life.

bullet proof soul

2009-09-02T02:29:00.000-07:00

it's not about self-improvement, it's about self-acceptance.

i just heard about this concept on sunday morning. i suppose i've made such a hard habit of improving myself - now as i let go of that, and move on to acceptance (and gratitude), i feel like i'm taking the piss out of other people's time.

(i guess you have to be me to understand that one).

i'm slowly starting to laugh at myself. in a good way.

. . . . .

okay, here's a turn off: chilling/having an evening with someone of the opposite sex who purposefully does not engage my intelligence. actually it's very rare that a guy would engage me in some witty repartée (which is why i can count how many male friends i have on two hands), but uh. if i'm going to respectfully listen & nod to your views on pop culture, crack, the economy, and babies, it only makes sense that i get a say - that you'll respect - as well.

and depending on how well that goes, it just might count as intellectual foreplay... which i LOVE.

so get your brain out of 1955 dude.

anyway, keep it simple.

. . . . .

no pain, no gain. i'm re-inventing this concept to fit my spiritual growth. i used to be scared of getting hurt emotionally. but now that i've been bruised, it's helping me to find out about myself. and that's even more painful! without it though, i don't think i'd be the person who i am today. even if it means that truthfully, i don't feel that great today. but why fight it? not feeling well, sadness, frustration, confusion - they're just as important & meaningful as happiness, success, serenity... it's all real.

calm.

cloud.

showing up.

waiting. bev & flores.

of the times.

débardeur d'été.

smoke color.

pizza.

sunday endings.

stevie goes tonal.

cosmic shit

2009-08-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

i have an issue with my lucidity during dream time. i'm quite coherent during my dreams, but to the point where i can't seem to break away from reality. jesus, emile hirsch could show up ready to skinny dip with me on some random beach in thailand, and i hesitate to dive in due to a nagging conscience about how this might affect my future professional relationship with him. what? chill the fuck out jane's mind! strip down, and get in the water already. it's just a dream. (if only...)

grrr. my mind refuses to stop working, even while i'm sleeping. yo mind, break me off some peace please. more frankly, i'd very much like to experience one of these nocturnal orgasms i keep hearing about.

.........

i'm grateful that l.a. is the hometown. i love going away if only because it reminds me of how dope this city really is every time i return. home indeed.

(more doodling "app" fun) pinocchio: my go-to comfort in monaco.

mala beach forever.

travelling productivity.

2009-08-15T23:09:00.000-07:00

q downloaded a neat time-passing drawing app that gave me a buzzing peace the past 45 minutes. okay, i just felt old writing the words "downloaded" and "app" in the same sentence. app? that's not a word. yet its use is necessary as it is of the times.

anway. the results:

guest room.

apero.

heart monaco.

blessings in disclosure

2009-08-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

i don't know anything.

everything i thought i knew isn't what's happening now. and now i don't know what to do with myself.

before i moved back to l.a. last year, i guess i related having a job/working to what i was worth. i'd been working since i was 16, i didn't know anything else. and that's all we talk about in america, isn't it? "what do you do?" that could mean anything, those four words. but here we all know it has to do with work, making a living, how do you contribute monetarily to our society...

look, i could get into some reason as to why i'm where i am today, but it's bullshit. yeah, yeah, i've been conditioned to believe this or that, blah blah blah. but what's going on right now is that i've been unemployed for exactly one year. or i haven't been able to generate a steady income for the work that i do. or the ends that have been keeping me afloat are starting to dwindle.

and the loved one who i've been taking care of for so many years is taking care of himself now.

so here i am left to take care of just me. this is indeed a turning point for the first-gen filipina american capricorn.

it's beautiful. but it's also so goddamn intimidating. scary! i'm all mine now and i don't know the first thing about me. so i'm finding out as i go along. baby steps. literally. it's rough and new and a lot of times pretty damn blue. but i have to remember that with this newness, i'm letting go of something from the past. and regardless of what it is i'm letting go of, it's still very much a loss. and with loss comes grief. i have to let myself go through this.

and i'm owning all of it. i'm celebrating this shit.

millie knows how to throw a party.

comfort on sawtelle.

eastward bound.

the eisenhours & pizza you will find nowhere else in the world.

my brekkies fix.

route des serres.

julz at the gougouline.

little jackie.

fløte kake, julz.. & sizing up his new lady (hmmm).

sunday lunch.

it's so hot along the med there is seriously nothing else to do but be in the water.

postcard spot.

dalpozzo.

post public enemies.

italy's tijuana.

med views.

waiting. hot.

no italian leather splurges this time. just a hefty slab o' parmigiano-reggiano. molto vecchio.

hungry. hot.

hiding spot.

yomi.

larvotto.

grey.

leaving.

home sweet home.

good morning.

2009-08-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

my menstrual cycle is seemingly more uncomfy these days than ever. last time i saw my dr. she said that the early thirties (32-35) for a woman is when her body is most primed to bear children. i'm observing this idea into the ridiculous pain i'm experiencing as i start another cycle right now.

i went to the e.r. last month in relation to pain – i'd never felt before then – from starting my cycle. the cramps i felt were so intense that i went into a panic attack that led to some strange body behavior. since then i've been reading up on my reproductive system, and this is so far the most relatable explanation of what's going on with me. ahora.

Each month, the inner lining of the uterus (the endometrium) builds up in preparation for a possible pregnancy. After ovulation, if the egg is not fertilized by a sperm, no pregnancy will result and the current lining of the uterus is no longer needed. The woman's estrogen and progesterone hormone levels decline, and the lining of the uterus becomes swollen and dies. It is then shed and will be replaced by a new lining in the next monthly cycle.

When the old uterine lining begins to break down, molecular compounds called prostaglandins are released. These compounds cause the muscles of the uterus to contract. When the uterine muscles contract, they constrict the blood supply (vasoconstriction) to the endometrium. This contraction blocks the delivery of oxygen to the tissue of the endometrium which, in turn, breaks down and dies. After the death of this tissue, the uterine contractions literally squeeze the old endometrial tissue through the cervix and out of the body by way of the vagina. Other substances known as leukotrienes, which are chemicals that play a role in the inflammatory response, are also elevated at this time and may be related to the development of menstrual cramps.
Webster's New World™ Medical Dictionary First, Second and Third Editions (May, 2008)

in other words, the prostaglandins in my body are giving my endometrium a slow and painful death. sadistic mother. fuckers.

are you there God? it's me margaret, and i get it. touché.

elizabeth.

the wild y el sexo.

2009-07-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

viviré sola.
sin nadie.
no necesito gente.

¿cuáles será?

sola.

sola en el sol.

no.
no voy a nadar.
me quedaré en el sol.

sola.

sola en el sol.

HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED.

last monday i wrote to someone, "i'm making the rest of this month a vacation."

happy hour.

july 4.

will rogers.

you've never worked a day in your life...

taking a dip on mia's bday eve.

sola.

sola en el sol.

act together

2009-06-30T04:13:00.000-07:00

like: get my.

june gloom. bloom.
it's been a lot of look-in-the-mirror type moments. days.
humility is key.
the process.
i'm humbled by the anxiety as much as i am by the ease.

at the end of the day, laugh.
don't take it too seriously.

put on the ecstatic and i'm impressed.
it's like, the middle man for an elitist like me.
i don't have to say a word.
just listen and admire el flaco do it with such style.
grown. just on top of it. hablando en mi idioma.

"oh me oh my
i give you all the milk and the honey
but you can't break my heart
'cause that'll just get you fired..."

right?

et finalement, le mois en gros (as this seems to be my steez these days).

the process: mangosteen's l.a. screening

less than twelve hours post-screening... in the desert.

back in l.a. a visit with amelia & max.

gemini. for real though.

s.m. ♥.

mbenga & vujacic taking it in.

a westside staple.

a mere minute with the little lady.

what i see when i walk into q's room.

no t.v.

the saggitariuses of toluca lake.

ruffa g's birthday party: q's first modeling gig.

guilty pleasure

2009-06-24T19:43:00.000-07:00

rare consumer moment.
first saw the 09 impreza wrx in barce last summer. i've been smitten since. (not sure about r.dyr's role in this, but never mind)

bootleg artist

2009-06-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

(inspired by day 27 of my cycle)

yeah, yeah, we can all get copies of the latest cs.
just slap a filter on that shit.

we just know everything already.
school schmool.
google that shit.

ride that google, go!

lacoste polo dress. fur coat. black eyeliner. cigarette.

2009-06-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

2009-06-13T00:13:00.000-07:00

lighta

2009-05-23T20:41:00.001-07:00

peaceful easy feelings.

i'm surrounded by amazing women.
triangle type shit.
a constant exchange of empowerment.
bees.

what's interesting about working on to and from right now is the living-and-breathing aspect of it. it's so goddamn literal. the very things i'm researching, the data i'm collecting, and the stories that i hear in relation to filipinos and HIV/AIDS - i witness & observe it everyday. it's in front of me. my family, friends. friends of family & friends. and it's intense. emotional. urgent. inescapable.

results:
humility
appreciation

in search of victory she keeps eluding me
if only we can be together momentarily
we can make love and make history
why wont you visit me? until she visit me

used books. lbc.

dripping gold.

ryry celebrates getting younger.

APAIT cohorts.

hit the ground running. bk.

the malaysia connect.

lo love.

good morning.

work dating play.

multi-tasking zen.

flower face.

hi 5.

may. new york in l.a. l.a. in new york. sheeyit.

female situation

2009-05-01T23:26:00.000-07:00

april was all about my health. my body rules me. and i got checked into accidentally experiencing LA county health care.

but how that all happened actually started with a pretty harrowing exchange with the old man. progressive nonetheless. a personal milestone. très luke-darth vader experience.

so american health care. i was so jolted by what i observed i knew i had to write it down as i saw it... no way i'd have energy to remember any of those details otherwise as it was that unreasonable.

7 april 09

4:20pm
LAC-USC medical center
emergency unit.

- metal detector - no cameras allowed.
- capacity of main waiting room full.. about 200 m² -standing room only
- earliest time they can see me is in 24 hours
- can't leave
- RN to call name every 2-6 hours to check on your current status, you're not dying.
- if not there when they call after 2 tries, your registration's void

do i qualify for registration
- 3 RNs bilingual
- i'm sitting here w/ b brief bag

1. RN does quick check-up (blood pressure, temp, makes chart.
2. go into another room - "request for registration"

*what is medi-cal? ORSA?
3. registered -> waiting room -> no windows/crammed
4. yelling out names - no sound system - over 200 patients waiting - someone yells that they can't hear, speak louder. everyone has to be quiet.

a white person for every 15? 20? people.. lots senior citizens

..................

birthdays
easter
acupuncture
sf
vanessa-isms:
"i'm salivating every moment"
"can i get them over-easy but well-done?"

seriously, fuck western medicine at this point.
acupuncture becomes my new form of health care

back to work.

"i don't know why i
get so high off
get so high off
get so high
high off the life."

low-income artist option near little tokyo.

my fave area in sf.

trading fave chinese spot for good ventimiglia-steez pizza. syrah shiraz.

"& let me be even more frank,

2009-04-04T00:18:00.000-07:00

just to show you that i'm not a hard-hearted man, and it's not all dollars and cents." - wild woltz

my body is channeling effects of getting jolted to my reproductive system. my female organs are speaking to me. and now that i think about it, it only makes sense. it relates to my heartbreak. it relates to what i'm living and breathing right now in terms of my.. art. (my freaking pitch is all about how hiv/aids education affects everything.) and it's true. it relates to how i'm receiving health care right now in l.a. it relates to my social life.

macrobids. no sex. no alcohol. encore.

it relates to love. opportunity. policy. happiness.

coincidences.

wow. if everyone were able to talk openly about sex... if that just became the norm. it doesn't have to mean anything. like talking about the weather.

q's gen of the andals. they come to mind.

like talking about the weather.

his alter ego makes beats.

mya's "best of me" remix moment.

wilshire.

female high.

l.a.

oh antonio.

coincidentally j town comme d'hab.

delayed.

j town comme d'hab for real.

i have keys to this spot.

there's something not right about young geithner.

do you hear that?

2009-03-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

jsuis fou.

am i blu(e).

2009-03-17T11:09:00.001-07:00

slashes & burns.
i do a great job of covering them up.
can't tell if i ever got them in the first place.
and then spring comes a week early.
ça me fait depecher des trucs.
but karma's setting the vibe:
doucement tout.
and the realization comes.
la vie me vit.
in bloom.

wurstküche.

soulmate.

three-day old max.

la parada.

female highs in h.p.

masa & funky soleness.

j-town comme d'hab.

walking grand.

grandlux sesh.

sls hotel. g37 coupe convertible comes to l.a.

office hopping.

jesus christ. spring!

fine lines...

2009-03-11T00:23:00.000-07:00

i don't know if i'm being stubborn or strong any more.

i am falling for 808s & heartbreak. just when i thought i was done with homie's current steez. talk about channeling shit into goodness. grief becomes dope.

my unexpected motivation.

philippines & heartbreak.

more sunshiny days.

2009-03-07T12:27:00.000-08:00

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

- e.e.cummings

"scènes de la vie de bohème"

2009-03-04T18:28:00.000-08:00

right now. i'm completely aware of my surroundings. the challenge is to be disinterested (in the most serene sense of the word). so while i'm hushing the mind, the body speaks. and my body seriously has been calling the shots. doc says it's attributed to a t-word. writing/saying it sounds so cliché, war-related. but i guess that's what i've been through. anyway, i'm calling it a very strong jolt to my being.

perfect timing, venus is in retrograde. but i have to admit it would be fun to get caught up in some sort of mature male distraction. a mr. big, if you will (that's all day). instead i hit up exhale, & lisa gave me some deep tissue goodness that's only starting to kick in right now actually.

and no liqs. i'd like to think that concretely fulfills the love planet's hiatus. saved me from getting into too much trouble in vegas. speaking of which, my type of guy does not hang out there. it was just a bit too button-down (many with non-sensical screen-printed "tattoo" designs on them), gel'd, clean-shaven, and alcoholic for my tastes. i ♥ rough & travel. with a lot creative. chill.

and so begins march. hazy. intuitive. funky.

after 40 pages of instructions.

mia & pot.

mia & francis at millie's baby shower.

pre-exhale.

bur-las.

venetian solo before the festivities.

ça commence...

legs & pole.

the bachelorette.

this bamboo doorknocker kept following us.

g for real.

safer sex kits.

not sure of the logic behind this game...
the hearts are made of velcro. it's like catch the penis?

marilyn, che, & michelle.

maxine.

april, tricia, & kara.

lilia & tricia.

vegas.

i like her handbag.

co-dependence flip that shizzz

2009-02-23T17:54:00.000-08:00

the other night while teasing one of my good male friends about his being trained like a puppy by his girlfriend, the idea came up by some random female that he possibly wasn't man enough to take "the next step", i.e. get married.

when it comes to relationships, why is it that there has to be that "next step"? don't get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing. but it's not something that anyone should be forced to do. how you going to threaten some poor dude's manhood on that shit? if he's not ready, he's not ready. and if homegirl can't handle that, move on no?

apparently i'm jaded. that's the classic retort i get every time i get into how "the next step" isn't necessary in matters of the heart.

i'll do them one better. these girls (there is a specific type. i'm not going to entertain you with my trashy interpretation of them): if they spent half the time they spend treating their dudes like shit or waiting for them to get on one knee with a rock & a wedding that'll give them bad credit (hello worst economy ever), these same girls would have another degree, make more money, learn a new hobby, volunteer for a good cause...

or better yet, get on a plane to some foreign digs, learn a new language, and meet some hot foreign dudes. i mean, the possibilities for self-empowerment, good complexion, and great sex are endless!

i.e., take the goddamn "next step" with yourselves, chicas.

por favor for real though.

morning wake-up.

stevie cat loves to drink from the faucet.

q said she was getting "cabin fever".
we tested out her new parapluie.

chilling with mia & ryry in j.town.

landon & i made a legos star wars battleship.

"mommy, i know that guy!"

huge sunday brekkies.

design by frozen yogurt.

pacific beach love.

for the record, i'm not so much jaded as i am broken-hearted.

planetary effects.

2009-02-13T01:41:00.001-08:00

"so.. what do you do?"

i know i say this a lot, but really, only in america do people ask me that. or care.

people are funny. the kind that i happen to be running into lately seem to be dueling their self-esteems to various degrees. whatever it is, i don't think it's very modern. hello a democrat is back in the white house, i.e. less is more. and with this administration, the more is service. goodness.

but even then, somehow that becomes competitive.

all i want after a long weekend of intensive bandying with numbers, talking points, and colleagues is to get some fresh air and chill in a spot least like an office with a glass of wine and some good company. in no particular order, on repeat.

but sometimes life happens. work comes in different forms. and i'm a good sport.

the prize? even better: head-clearing thursday night at chill spot via hot tub on millie's roof, vino blanco, and my girls (with soon-to-be baby boy!).

my compass this week.

q's enviro is very old soul. pure.

i've never met a little girl of the new gen who chooses space balls and the goonies for rainy-day movie sessions.

or prefers earth, wind, and fire for dance music.

at this very moment, q is trying to keep my attention as i finish this. i feel like this is a glimpse of the mother i'm to become. working.

mars mercury pluto. full moon lunar eclipse. neptune...

2009-02-10T23:12:00.000-08:00

i am a crazy person. my mind loves to flow best under pressure. so when i'm crying to people about my writer's block it's actually just my mind saying, don't even try turning this in early. pshh. didn't you know.

"mars (action), venus (beauty), and jupiter (luck and happiness) will be in tight alignment..."

then the moon in scorpio for the weekend. really.

i couldn't have made this up if i tried. and now that i know it it's usually good to forget it all and just let it work me.

the mind is quiet.

sparks.

santa monica playhouse. chill rainy event.

cozy.

saturday night.

gonzo steez (sans adrenachrome).

2009-02-02T13:54:00.000-08:00

my body is full of talking points ready to throw up. what to focus on. how to focus. then focused, how to maintain such once i open it up for others to chime in on. and once open, ideas upon ideas upon possibilities upon ambition upon execution grows like hundreds of branches on a tree that i'm just learning how to care for. it's growing so fast.

and then there's everything else.

love is a funny thing. i have a bone to pick with society. well, normally i'd just take a deep breath whenever i observe the realities of what the "system" accomplishes (i.e. counter-productivity). but today, a.k.a. a mélange de menstruation, monday, champagne, my experience with word association, chill vibes, and 80º weather, the societal observations got to me. consumer shit has come to measure love.

okay, i'm not going to get into it.

it's just a lot of people seem to have a hard time loving themselves these days.

and fairytale happiness is like crack for a couple of my girls. i'm being dramatic i know. or denial is a tiara covered in shiny diamonds.

or your boobs are five times bigger than mine. you win.

alright alright. easy does it. i love you.

the far bar.

on market st & san fernando rd.

q sizzling next to the heater post bath.
dave:"quirina, it's like 75º outside."
she's a true l.a. girl.

1st & olive.

lunch with gail

and coco at her man's restaurant.

dough.

mark & ness at mexico city.

church in los feliz.

134 west.

jeff & brad.

john, capricorn aquarius. and sydney.

dinner with mia & mills.

ocean & broadway.

miauhaus.

write it down.

2009-01-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

2001. notes.

i'm getting back into the habit of writing things down. it was getting lackluster for a second, but i think i was writing about things that didn't matter. or rather they're only starting to matter now. anyway it's all real. the dots are connecting.

i think the most challenging thing for me right now is balancing out my nature to take care of others before me. well let me preface by saying i always assumed that i was already all good (i.e. forever-positive, set for life), so there was nothing left to do but help other people achieve that potential in themselves. needless to say that meanwhile i ended up putting myself aside. it was bound to happen. and now as i learn how to level the two out, it's a bit painful. similar to your typical animal documentary where, say a lioness leads her cub out into the wild and leaves them there to learn to fend for themselves. i as the mom. and the cub being me. grief. but i have to let go. the only way to grow.

the sun's shining. al-anon is free therapy. and apparently kobe doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve.

alright vernacular. these first couple of weeks of 09 have been... i don't know, coincidental? i guess that's the best way to describe it. i've been unable to take charge or plan too far ahead. i think it goes back to my learning to balance out my tendency to take care of others before myself... and just good old-fashioned vulnerability. voila. i feel like i can only go as far as showing up to the game as stepping up to the plate is just a little too much for me right now. shit, even showing up can be entertainingly difficult. thank god for amazing friends. oh wow!

inger's l.a. visit (my fave spot on the westside).

nail sesh with lani.

saturday wake up call.

lani & her best women.

petals & toes.

mr. & mrs. quiambao.

the always lovely kate (& alyssa).

alyssa is sunshine.

the odyssey. it was a trip being back there.

mark & his inaanak mila in glendale.

the bday hostess in event coordinator mode.

bro & the pamamkin q.

hams.

landon & q.

the sunset on imperial ave. (post lax drop off)

then dropped by culver city to chill with the franks.

parker is funny.

kodi bear. (who's a good boy)

no time for dilly-dallying. it's all about honesty. doucement.

soulful.

2009-01-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

there's something to note about things that don't start nor end. they just are. they are very sweet and rare and i love.

what can i say. it's really the little things that get me. i'm a fool for subtleties.

carrot & chocolate cake with the mighty m's on 4th & main. thank you!

my second home.

let's see. my mind is thinking in snippets. i just realized that that's a good thing. thoughts come and go. and the critical thinking has moved away from trying to keep up with tradition into building bridges between service and art. simply put.

word of the day: sweet.

checklists are effective. write it down.

l.a. new year.

2009-01-03T21:17:00.000-08:00

beach & sun into 09. it's the only sure thing.

the classy...

2008-12-28T16:33:00.001-08:00

"ain't no regular players in here."
is that right.

what is it with dudes getting all sentimental during the holidays? jules asked that rhetorical while waiting for our #1s scoe's friday night. i don't know, but this and many other boy-revolving talk made me realize only now that i'm surrounded by a lot of chicas solteras these days.

i'm hearing all kinds of stories during the festivities. one homegirl's still bitter about her ghetto youngin; another swears she doesn't mind the other woman (or being the other woman); an on-the-cusp-agro & pouty boyfriend keeps one of my girls conservative... and it goes on and on.

twenties to thirties take yo pick.

i don't know. i'm not saying that i'm completely atypical to this type shit. i mean, i love the opposite sex (LOVE them), but honestly. how hard is it to just stick to the facts. things add up, or they don't y basta. okay, sometimes i'll bitch about getting looked over for a younger female for laughs, but really though.

it's all about mutual understanding. comfort. if you get me & i get you, and we're both cool with not changing each other, voila. welcome to my strange love.

how fitting.

heartbreaker eyes: lucía & vivian.

q's channeling janet jackson à la control, singing "all i want for xmas".

the sassy new gen.

sleepless but chilling pops.

the bday jedi with max & mils.

for real though landon got hella presents.
(clothing presents don't get a second look)

the griffin.

the silent hustle.

2008-12-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

ahh. the sun has officially settled into capricorn.
(i know, it's on repeat)
the temperature is just right. warm all over.

funny biz is that much funnier.
timing is everything.
no second guesses.
the mind is hushed.

...

except for thoughts of sizzling beaches. the softest sand & the freshest water.

casa nueva de la mora barrios.

ness's trey deuce fiesta.

that's all day.

"you make me love you, love you, baby. with a little l."
mmm takes a load off. c'est parfait en fait.
grown chick high.

the sun enters capricorn

2008-12-23T10:15:00.000-08:00

et les anniversaires des saturn babies commencent.

ollie & the cuddling beast.

happy birthday darling.
raise that L to the sky!

earth.

2008-12-19T17:53:00.000-08:00

check & balance.
i've gone to extremes the past few weeks: from completely shutting things out to confronting them head on. right now i'm not in the middle, but i'm also not on the brink of shit either. whew. for a second there i felt like a crazy marble bouncing off two walls closing in... until i finally lost it (high noon today).

i walked into my acupuncture session like a beat-up kitty in heat. needles save. lucile used to say that she'd picture the needles poking out all the bad energy from her body. today i felt like the needles were little anti-antennae releasing all of the negative / clotty waves from my points. clear my meridians por favor. mmm better flow.

neutral. whatevs. i'm going with it all.

the only thing i got for sure is a picture of me in the philippines very soon. grab me some motherland.

inglewood library.

needles.

chilling. sucka free steez. (by mia villanueva)

haze.

2008-12-14T20:02:00.000-08:00

sf is dope. beautiful people. + book smart as hell. hella info. chill connects. same page steez.

and stevie wonder loving.

"when i see you on the street
my whole body gets weak
when you're standing in a crowd
your love talks to me so loud
girl, do i do, what you do, when i do my love to you

when i hear you on the phone
your sweet, sexy voice turns my ear all the way on
just the mention of your name
seems to drive my head insane
girl, do i do, what you do, when i do my love to you...baby

yes i got some candy kisses for your lips
yes i got some honey suckle chocolate dripping kisses full of love for you.........."

tony san b. "mobile sound" for mom's church xmas benefit.

nonosina xmas show. ebell theater.

granny.

ornaments.

this is what i saw when i first walked into aj's room.

going to granny's.

mackenzie. trey deuce shindig.

week in west hollyw.

& olympic.

lobster wearing a tophat.

bro has been shopping.

saturday meet up.

mia at the de young.

he is sf future now.

wonder full.

comfort thai noodles.

weekend getaway essential.

smitten.

2008-12-03T15:37:00.000-08:00

"viva america!"
sepulveda & santa monica blvd.

downtown haze.

the narra group suite.

oh wow. i'm finding myself a bit shy to talk about my new objet du désir. i gotta get used to this. it started out as a distraction to counter other distractions, but since last night HIV/AIDS education is now my focus. the coincidences surrounding this eye-opener is ridiculous. i'm in love.

and won't be sleeping the next few days.

months.

i don't do clichés. and as dope as the new evan roth vid is for (red)wire, HIV/AIDS education is not a novelty. i have condoms in my car, in every pocket of every one of my handbags, in my makeup cases, in my jacket pockets, and in my macbook case. why?

to give to people who don't already carry some.
for health reasons.
so that the joy of sex can be fully realized.
etc. etc.
why not.
there's not one negative thing about having them.

what's even more real: a male counterpart was digging through my purse for a lighter one night during dinner, and when he saw the condoms it was seen more as a negative instead of it being very smart and OBVIOUS. when i called him out on it, he really had to take a moment to get back to his usually liberal/pragmatic/logical/reasonable self. it's like, she's having sex? and with who? or how many who's? these are the questions that come to mind when some people see condoms. when really, the only questions that the word "condom" should ask are, do i have one on me in the event that i hook up tonight? and if wearing a condom means having "safe" sex, what does it mean if i don't wear one? unless you or your partner are tested, you won't know.

hiv tests are free & simple and if you're sexually active should done every three months (it takes three months for antibodies to develop in your body after one has been infected).

this is the vernacular. essential like water. like change in my pocket.

or a joint in my mouth.

up. all. night.

venus, jupiter and the crescent moon.

2008-12-02T01:52:00.000-08:00

kell sent me his detailed documentation of the sb trip. i'm hardly ever in photographs so it's nice to be on the other side. i'm feeling the whole instant thing more since i've been working the pentax lately.

one of many on the a la mar motel terrace. we vain like that.

critiquing the new issue.

amelia & padres.

all up on ourselves. (all day)

the happy duo.

an attempt at nonchalance (where were you guys?).

oh how i love the timing of distractions. it seems that they roll through hardest whenever i get a deadline.

up. all. night.

and now day n nite.

"madness the magnet keeps attracting me. me."

scattered marbles. there has got to be a way to flick some of these distractions off my mind for good already. focus! it's like coincidence is taking every single opportunity it can to remind me of or connect me to certain subjects of distraction as soon as my mind frees up some space. lovey-dovey shit. uh lo más peor. enjoy the ride. yeah, yeah. surrender blahblahblah.

wonder if i should try amtrak from s.f. to l.a....

last week of the month.

2008-12-01T00:50:00.000-08:00

tuesday. millie's bridal dinner at casa bianca. great company. dessert drop-off. and lots of rain!

surfacing rainy valleys. playing at burbank station.

q turned lucky seven on wednesday. there really aren't enough words to describe how i feel about that little girl. during our sleepover she tried to attach a lock to my journal "so nobody can read it without permission." it didn't work so she offered to lend me one of her diaries. she learned how to load film into her diving camera. she schooled me on chess and war. we talked about jobs. she learned that getting presents early isn't as fun as getting them on the actual birth day. we worked a little bit on our zine. we fed the cats. she's the only person i know who likes strawberry cream cheese. this is all before noon.

steve. flea/dreadlock free.

lauren blew out q's candles before she could get to them.

q being casual about the candle do-over.

lauren post-timeout.

q's mind before bed.

this is what i wake up to when i'm with her.

she put that hat on as soon as she woke up.

more job ideas.

drove the coast road from belmont shores to jamboree/newport beach to get to irvine for thanksgiving day. ended up being a super chill mini spa session swimming laps and soaking in the jacuzzi for hours after a casual prime rib lunch with shy & fam.

huh. i don't get how people would rather sit in boring freeway traffic instead of taking pch. not that i mind having the coast road to myself. so chill.

it's all about parker.

towel.

kodi bear. furry.

santa barbara is seriously one chill spot. i don't know how to describe the experience. forever coast views. falling asleep to waves & essential s.getz. i think i've found my new hideout. i'm inspired to trip more of the west coast very soon. perhaps i'll try the route from s.f. back down to l.a. via amtrak. feel it out.

wines & bucatini.

saturday morning wake up.

love love love.

kell, greg, ev, & mia. the go-with-the-flow crew for real.

saturday eve. barely 6pm.

mmm sunday morning.

back at home. catching up with what's turning out to be conventional after all. i've come to accept the fact that skate videos basically pave the way for a lot of mainstream shit - from the fashion to the soundtracks to everything. even down to art direction. i was flipping thru channels earlier tonight and caught the end of the britney "documentary" on mtv. her outro is yet another knock-off of the lakai video intro. here's an example of another bite that kenzie discovered. fireworks yo. creative karma. personally, i would not fuck with that.

bienvenido al primer día del mes ultimo 08.

good vibes. big things.

make that day job the dream job.

daydreaming.
tent. sleeping bag. java logs. california. trees. hot chocolate.

homemade.

2008-11-25T03:46:00.000-08:00

home-loving.
familial.
fond of home.

these are all synonyms of the word "domestic" or "domesticated."

i happen to love cooking. and the meals i make are pretty good. after my mom schooled me tonight on baking leche flan, vanilla cake, and my bro's banana cake (i made them into four dozen cupcakes for q's bday.. half with whipped butter cream icing :), i can bake some pretty comforting desserts now tambien.

(i was on the phone with colleen for a bit during, and she mentioned that girls who maintain "domestic" characteristics are hard to come by these days. true that. but the word to describe us is just so dated. i'm thinking of home / kitchen appliance ads from the eighties. or like i've been tamed or some shit. a pet.)

then while everything was baking, i made this amazingly tender hawaiian bbq pork, with sweet corn, broccoli, and rice. uh, so good with furikake. and sukà (as in sawsaw, not suka as in puke).

it will be fun to have my own kitchen again. but in the meantime, it's def fun to please mis padres with my food creations.

up. all. night. grrr.

feelin it.

2008-11-23T02:44:00.000-08:00

i'm trying not to think into anything i do. everything comes, and goes. i've gotten this far going with the flow. but sometimes the flow is just straight foolish. it's funny how a grown woman can turn into a sixteen year-old girl in certain situations. i mean, we're talking intelligent, doesn't need anybody type shit.

but it's never been about needing. more like, i would like very much.

i've come to terms with the way things are going. of course i wouldn't mind already chilling on some cute little beachfront, riding bikes & trains, and working in some boutique. but then again, i did that once already. good god, you mean to tell me that it only gets better? those some terms.

or you get what you want and give up a lot of apparently essential shit to get it.

quality companionship is essential. as is advocating my lifestyle.

and it is only getting better!

make that day job the dream job.

up. all. night.

it's all about this little girl.

up.

2008-11-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

all.
night.
("burning a peace pipe & inhaling a tree")

my body, c'est en mode petit chaton lately. très nocturnal. stretching that writing dollar keeps the ideas coming. as in, how do i make more doing what i like doing. all roads lead home.

make that day job the dream job.

there was like a girly funk chilling in me for a couple days.. was experiencing serious girly shit: makeup touch ups, mirror visits, plotting outfits / boys, listening to estelle, blahblahblah. while it was entertaining to observe myself go through the motions... what a waste of time.

tempura bananas & strawberries.
with whipped cream. and hot fudge.

smokey sabado.

tasteless assholes ruin another block.

fancy grindz. for real tho.

up. all. night. it's on repeat.